Other people’s new year resolutions

On behalf of British Telecom I resolve to fully open the Post Office Tower to the public, allowing entry to the viewing platform for a reasonable fee.

On behalf of the writers of gallery interpretation labels everywhere, I resolve to stop using words like ‘interrogates’ ‘explores’ and ‘questions’ to describe works that mostly don’t.

On behalf of Amanda Nevill, I resolve to resign as director of the British Film Institute.

On behalf of intelligent women, I resolve to fall in love with intelligent men instead of dicks.

On behalf of parents, I resolve to stop taking my kids to packed blockbuster art shows, which only bores them shitless and puts an extra body in everyone else’s way.

On behalf of Greenwich and Lewisham Councils I resolve to set off 2007’s Blackheath fireworks to the sound of Kraftwerk instead of John Barry.

On behalf of Southeastern Trains I resolve to run a service home that leaves Charing Cross later than midnight, and on behalf of my fellow commuters I resolve to move down the carriage a bit more in the morning.

On behalf of the weather I resolve to be a bit less fucked up generally.

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5 responses to “Other people’s new year resolutions

  1. concerned Edmonton resident

    As a parent I hereby pledge never again to take my children to anything other than real obscure exhibitions at the ICA where there is absolutely no danger of crowds.

    But you loved that Surrealism exhibition when you were eight.

  2. I have to take my son to exhibitions, because otherwise how would I see them? I don’t fool myself that it’s for him, I know it’s for me. He sits on the seats (or climbs under them) and watches me go round. I see no harm in that!

  3. Pingback: On being blacklisted « Squares of Wheat

  4. Dear Customer

    I write with reference to your post on Squares of Wheat dated 3rd January 2007 concerning the “Post Office Tower”. As you are no doubt aware, BT Tower was the target of a bomb attack in 1971. Given the current terrorist threat to our civilisation, we consider your call to open the Tower again to members of the public highly irresponsible.

    I am sure you can appreciate the difficult position you have placed us in having you as both a customer and as a potential threat to our assets and the general public. Therefore I must inform you that your telephone service from us will cease within the next 7 days.

    Yours faithfully

    Y.U. Phoney

  5. Why shouldn’t intelligent women fall in love with other intelligent women? Some intelligent men are just as much a pain as the dicks.

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